Patently Absurd!

Post 149 of 930

Procrastination, the word that has destroyed many a good intention. Unlike popular theories that blame it on lack of discipline, focus and other blah blah, I believe that when you procrastinate, you are avoiding the things you should be doing and end up doing what you want to do. It is the time when you have the ‘eureka’ moments, times where a conversation will ultimately lead to the “Imagine if…” statement. The creativity of wandering minds is a powerful tool. The ability to use your imagination in dreaming up a novel idea before anyone else is addicting.

However, that’s not what this piece is about. This is dedicated to all those who have fallen off their wagons, too far gone to distinguish between novelty and bizarre. It is about the lovely but, highly deluded folk who believe their original idea is what humanity is fervently praying for. Of course, you know about it…You know the useless wacky ones that you might have seen on some random TV commercials or some online site. Some are just plain silly; others were dangerous, and should never have come to be a completed product. Some will make you smile and others will make you shake your head in wonder.

What goes on in that beautiful mind that invented emergency hipster beards (in three colours!) for any occasion or an egg cuber- real nifty item that transforms eggs into a cube shape, so that it fits perfectly in the palm of your hand? What about those masterpieces like the grill attached to your car exhaust (safety assured) that serves a mean burger. Also, existing is a walker that helps you take out your goldfish for a stroll and a lipstick stencil that helps you colour strictly inside the lines.

There are completely pointless inventions everywhere you look. It is not a new fad. They’ve been around forever. Even famous brands take a hit now and then… Do you remember Clippy? If you are old school like me, you might remember the annoying paper clip that would pop on your word document uninvited with useless bits of advice most of the time. Tapping on the computer screen to get your attention, this little fellow was simply too eager to be your BFF. He made “duh” observations like “It looks like you’re writing a letter,” then asked if you needed help, stopping you in between your work. The point that you are halfway through should have been an indication you did not need it. He was in your face and repetitive and even winked at you. I swear mine had a permanent smirk on, whenever I typed. What was the point of it anyway?

Hats off also, to the genius who had this startling epiphany that the reason diet plans do not work is because of the alarming amount of calories one consumed while drinking water. Now you have an actual company manufacturing bottled Diet water that looks and tastes like…regular water and is gaining popularity. My personal favourite, although is the baby mop. Do you have to clean up your house and look after your baby at the same time? Too much work and no time at all…Why not kill two birds with a single stone. Just put your precious in a baby mop outfit and let the baby’s natural crawling movement do the work for you! Rapidly losing faith in humanity at this point.

It has got to a stage where the notion “because I can” stamps out the purpose of the invention. What do you choose – well-meaning advice from everyone including your conscience versus 15 minutes of fame and humiliating memes forever? Oh, let me choose the latter because it is such a fab idea and I like my chances.

‘Do you really need training wheels for heels? No! Then why did you….’

Because I can

Umm… Grass slippers? Pizza Scissors? Anti-Fart Pads!!!

Well, why not?

I hate this world.

Joyce Mathew