Well actually Southhall..
But you know.. Tomato – Tomayto
Ok, here’s who I am. In bullets, because rambling ain’t going to fly. Not where I’m going at least Single. 32. Fashion Editor. Indian by ethnicity. British by upbringing.
Ok, now delete it all and stick with just the first word. Single. Because to my Indian-born mother, every thing else is just ‘naansense’. Read it and weep.
Mum: Water you doing?
Me: Nothing mum, just got back from work.
Mum: Humph! You call partying work.
Me: No mum, believe it or not, I actually am talking work at these events.
Mum: Humph and having drinks like those kind of bad girls.
Me: Umm, I don’t drink remember.
Mum: Humph! That’s what you say but who knows water you doing over there alone when I’m
Me: Sigh. Okay mum, what’s going on? How are you?
Mum: How will I be? With a daughter so old and still single??
(Oh no. Here we go.)
Ven are you going to get married?? Vy do you have to do this stupid job. Forget all this. Find a nice boy and get married and have kids. By your age, I already had three children and look at me today, I am a young mother. You will, God knows, ven get married. Ven you will finally have kids, you will be old and tired and not have energy for your kids.
(Kill me now)
Me: Mum, things are different now.
Mum: Naansense! Things are always same for woman! No matter how modern you get and wear all naked clothes!
(Naked clothes????!! When???)
Me: Mum I don’t wear naked clothes.
Mum: Don’t change the subjects!
(Subjects??!!! How many things are we discussing?)
Mum: Your father and I are very tensed because of you and you have given us the tension.
(Yes, both the sentences mean the same thing)
Me: Sigh. Mum, what do you want from me?
Mum: Vell, I have found a boy for you. He also lives in Dubai and is a banker who invests in things.
Me: What???! Wait, do you mean an investment banker?
Mum: Don’t try and teach me. I’m your mother! Not you my mother!
(Oh My God!! )
Mum: Now. Listen, be a good girl. He will call you and you go meet him for coffee. Coffee only! Otherwise he will think you’re a bad girl and won’t say yes to marrying you.
(What is going on!)
Me: Mum this is insane!
Mum: NO !!! He is not from that boy band in school you listened to.
(That was N-Sync.. ok never mind!)
Me: How are you doing this to me???
Mum: Because I am your mother and you are my daughter!!
(Oh my Lord!! This isn’t going to end unless I put an end to this!!)
Me: Okay! Okay! But only one meeting and you then can’t force me whatever the decision will be.
Mum: Just don’t say no. He is Aunty Ruby’s sister in law’s son. He is very handsome like James Bond.
Me: Which James Bond???
Mum: Uff! You don’t even know James Bond! What kind of writer are you??
(Oh for the love of God…)
Me: Fine!! I’ll meet him once.
Mum: Good girl. Now tell me, are you still fat or you lost any vait?
Me: Mum, I got to go.
Mum: You never tell me anything, always busy. No problem, I am your mother, will always love you no matter
(Where is that blade when you really need to slit your wrists )
Me: I love you too mum.
Sigh. Who was this guy now? Who had my mum found now to set me up with? The previous three men she had set me up with were boring, paranoid and obnoxious. What is this guy going to be like?? Argh!